The last thing the internet needs is more negativity…

by M. L. Morrill

… That’s why it pains me to say this, but here it goes.

Dear chicago, stop disappointing me. I’m sick of complaining. Are you like LA and NY’s fuck-up brother? where you just can’t do it right, no matter how many times they bail you out of the drunk tank or loan you a month’s rent. What do you mean I can’t own a Red Rider BB Gun? I don’t want to kill anybody, I just want to make a home movie. And what do you mean hanging out at the subway is gonna be the highlight of my Friday night? please, please give me something to get stoked on. You know how easy that is?! my internet handle is freakin’ “El_Gato.” Cats are awesome, and Mexican cats are even cooler! I mean, if life is a sandwich, then I am the knife spreadin’ the stoke butter, but you just seem to want to spread that shit on your balls and have your dog lick it off. in the words of Clifford Worley (Dennis Hopper) from True Romance, “Quit fuckin’ around!”

Please Chicago, just give me a sign. I’m ready when you are.